I haven’t written a post in several weeks now with updates about my “quest for resolving my issues with food” but the other day I received a really nice Facebook message from an old friend from high school that inspired me to put together a new post.
Confession time blog friends: I have been hardcore reverting to old habits in the last month. I actually felt pretty good about my vacation. I tried to stay mostly healthy while indulging in some treats here and there… but our schedule most days was so crazy that I barely had any time to work out for the last seven days of the cruise! Granted we walked everywhere and did a lot of active things, but I found myself reverting back to those old feelings of obsessing over the need to exercise for hours and hours. This started a slow but steady backslide into what I refer to as “my crazy zone”.
It’s kind of hard to admit but I can’t help it… I just start to obsess. I obsess over everything from what food I’m eating to scrutinizing myself in the mirror (There were these large mirrors in our staterooms on the cruise ships that weren’t laying completely flat so that had a mini-fun house effect to them. I literally couldn’t even look at myself in them. Even though I knew they were distorted, I couldn’t look. Haha you thought you had problems. Just kidding!)
I got back from the cruise and I was convinced I had gained weight. I literally felt bigger. I was suddenly disgusted with myself and my appearance. Of course, this cued my unreasonable fear of my scale so I didn’t weigh myself (so much for that whole “i’m taking back control of the scale by weighing myself every day” hahahaha yeah right). I just stared at myself in the mirror and told myself I had put on a ton of weight and I was getting fat again. Cue the intense self-loathing that I am so particularly good at!
Well this morning… I finally got up the nerve, stopped making excuses, and got on the scale. And guess what? I’m exactly the same. Sometimes, you just have to acknowledge your crazy. Pretending that these issues aren’t a part of me isn’t going to get me anywhere. They are a part of me, and I have a long road ahead of me before I overcome them forever. But today, I’m recommitting to working on that.
So my goals for the next week or so (until my next post) are to get back to the basics:
- Pay close attention to hunger / satiety cues.
- Eat to nurture my body and to enjoy it!
- Think about the motivations for my food choices and decide if they are healthy
- Practice self-love